Carry On...Move Forward, And Hold Your Head High

So I'm finally back. I tried to start this post a week or so ago, and found myself drowning in tears. I feel that I am finally able to come to grips with reality, and have established my New Years Resolution...better yet, I would like to call it our 2011 family motto:

Carry on...move forward, and hold your head high.

As I sit here, I am watching my husband scrape the snow and ice from our driveway. In a way I feel that this little storm that rolled through the South is indicative to the past few months for my little family. The snow came down hard and fast, and just when we thought it was over the sleet came and sealed down the snow with a frozen layer. We are at a halt, waiting for the frozen mess to melt away. But what a beautiful mess it is.

After CR2's seizures, CR and I looked forward to putting the past behind us and enjoying a joyous holiday season with family and friends. Throughout that following month, hope began to feel non-existent. CR continued to deal with panic and anxiety, and we worked and prayed every day for relief to come. Medications were altered, he began journaling, and we started a daily devotional. Just as we began to make strides, the bottom fell out!

In the midst of CR2's scare with the seizures, I found out I was pregnant. CR and I held onto this information like a prize. We had been trying for a few months and were so excited to finally have some positive news. We shared this joy with our immediate family over Thanksgiving, and were elated that CR2 would be a big brother in a matter of months. The kids would have been 2 years apart exactly...perfect planning on my part. What I now realize, is that I am in no way in charge of planning my life.

On Sunday, December 12th CR2 woke up with a nasty stomach flu. We nursed him throughout the day with pedialite, but nothing seemed to stay down. We finally packed up the car and headed to the after hours pediatrician. CR2 was given Zofran and we headed home. We were finally able to get our little one to bed around 9:00pm and headed to bed ourselves. I awoke around midnight to check on my little man. I headed to the bathroom after tucking him in and my worst nightmare had come true. I was spotting, and it was red. I woke up CR... as I cried he tried to calm me down, and assure me that we would be OK no matter the outcome. I had verification of pregnancy scheduled the very next day, and already knew that I would be going to that appointment alone. CR would need to tend to our little patient. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep.

The next morning I drove myself to Dr. McDaniel's office as I wept on the phone to my mother. She to tried to reassure me that everything was OK.

Do you know that feeling you get in your gut when you know things arnt right? Well I had felt that feeling throughout the past few weeks of the pregnancy. I even had a conversation with Mamadele, my grandmother, about miscarriages for no apparent reason.

As I entered the exam room I spoke with Sean, my favorite nurse, about the bleeding from the night before...she seemed worried. Sure enough when Dr. McDaniel started the ultrasound, he didn't like what he saw. He let me know that my "uterus was acting volatile"...not the best words to hear. The uterine walls were thickening, but this did not look like a normal, healthy pregnancy. He prescribed hormones to give the baby every chance to thrive, and sent me on my way, with an order to come back for ultrasound the following week.

On Tuesday I got a call from Dr. McDaniel...mind you I was at the doctor with my sick child getting more Zofran while my husband was at home resting from his puke fest from the night before. Dr. McDaniel let me know that my blood work had come back, and that my hormones were extremely low. bad sign!

I continued to spot throughout the week, and on Thursday it happened. Full blown miscarriage! I was a complete wreck! I spent most of the day on the phone with my mom, curled up on the couch, balling my eyes out. CR2 proved to be my little hero throughout the weekend. He provided me with laughter when I needed it most! What a blessing my little man is!

The ultrasound day came. We hoped and prayed that the miscarriage had passed naturally, and that we would be able to travel home for Christmas, and start the healing process. Not the case. While in the ultrasound room, the tech noticed a mass.

In 2004 I had my left ovary and fallopian tube removed, due to an 8cm. cyst. The cyst was found to be benign.

The mass was on the left side, and looked as it was my left ovary. This concerned my doctor, and he began to believe that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. This happens when the egg implants outside of the uterus. We decided to try a treatment called Methotrexate. This treatment is a shot, a form of chemo commonly used with Ectopic pregnancies in the hopes of shrinking the mass, and lowering hormone levels.

I took the shot, we drove to Waynesville, and had a wonderful white Christmas with my family. CR and I once again were trying to move on with our life, and start fresh!

When we returned to Atlanta after Christmas the depression set in. I tried to go back to work, and was bombarded with questions and concerns when I did. Everything was back on the table, and I retold the story numerous times.

I had blood work done on Tuesday, December 28th, and a scheduled ultrasound the next day. When CR and I went in for the ultrasound, we didn't like the look of things. My doctor was traveling back into town, and we had to see another OB. He recommended another round of the Methotrexate and it was administered that day.

On the car ride home I broke down! When was this going to end??? I again would have to sit around for another week, and continue with more blood work and ultrasounds. When I returned home I began to frantically clean the kitchen with tears pouring down my face. My phone rang. It was Dr. McDaniel's head nurse. She called to let me know that she had spoken with Dr. McDaniel, he was willing to perform laproscopic surgery the very next day if I wished it so. I asked the nurse what she would do in my situation. She hesitated to answer, but finally said "Get it out!"

It was settled! Mom was in the car on her way to Atlanta, and surgery was set for 5:00pm on Thursday, December 30th. How is that for cramming all medical billing in to 2010?

On the day of my surgery CR experienced a wave of anxiety...our battle to find normalcy was hardly over. The surgery went well, and Dr. McDaniel reported to CR that the mass was attached to my uterus and bowel. There was a lot of scraping done to my uterus, and he had to do some patching during the procedure. We have been ordered to have an MRI before trying to conceive again. Please pray for the healing of my uterus!

While in recovery, the nurses told CR and my mom that I should be out and ready to head home with in the first half hour. I had a lot of trouble with the anesthesia, and began to vomit as I woke up. Needles to say, I was admitted and had to stay through the night.

CR and I headed home the next day around lunch time, and I started my healing process. For me, this was the hard part...and I am still dealing with this whole process.

My mom stayed through the weekend, and then packed us up and we headed to Waynesville on Sunday. This would give CR the chance to work, while mom tended to CR2, myself, and my siblings. It was during this time that I first tried to write this post. I found the emotions impossible to deal with, and cried for the majority of the afternoon. I ignored phone calls from concerned family and friends, and sat still struggling with my feelings. In a word, I felt strangled.

It is now a week later. We are home, and it is just the three of us. The pain is now managable and I am slowly getting my energy back. It is time to move forward, to share my sorrow with those who care, and to heal along side my little family. I keep replaying a conversation that I had with Mamadele before heading home. She was sharing with me emotions of her battle with cancer. She said "when you come to the point where you have no answers, and you don't know what to do, give it to God. Have faith that everything will turn out as it should be."

I guess this life is not for us to always understand. I find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for me. I will make it over this speed bump and I will be a stronger individual because of it.

I am so grateful for the family and friends that the lord has placed in my life. Even through the toughest times, it seemed as though there was always someone in place to help pick up the pieces. A big thank you goes out to all of you who have supported us in one way or another. We are truly blessed.

My mom wrote this verse in a devotional prayer book for CR... little did she know the power those words would hold for all of us:

Isaiah 41:10 -

So do no fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will up hold you with my righteous right hand.

How powerful and blessed is our Lord!

Happy New Year to you all!

JP